Sunday, February 22, 2009

Caveman vs. Astronaut


If a caveman and an astronaut got into a fight, who would win? If you have ever watched Angel you know how important this question is.

At any rate, once the declaration was made that the astronauts don’t have weapons, I began to wonder how it was anyone would think they stood a chance in a fight.

An astronaut is anyone who travels into space professionally. So if the astronaut in the fight was also a professional kung-fu master, I would say he stands a fair chance against the caveman. If the astronaut is a normal type person and the caveman is an atrophied, lazy chief, the astronaut again probably has the advantage. If the astronaut is military trained, as some are, hands down the astronaut will win.

An astronaut pilot needs to have a degree in science (physics, math, engineering, biology), giving him a clear mental advantage over the caveman. The question does not stipulate whether there are other materials besides weapons around, but if there are, the astronaut could, in theory, build the same weapons as a caveman. But the caveman has been making these things his whole life; he knows what kinds of rocks make the best spears and how the trajectory never quite goes according to simple physics. Here, the astronauts education would be a disadvantage. But if the astronaut can see the caveman, he should be able to copy him well enough so that now we have both the caveman and astronaut with the same weapons, but like I said the caveman know how to use them better. And weapons aren’t technically allowed in this debate anyway.

I’m still going to say the caveman would win. He is trained to fight and kill whereas the astronaut is trained to do math. And only River Tam can kill people with her brain. And Fred Burkle, the scientist who loses her fight against an ancient and primitive being, agrees – “Cavemen win. Of course the cavemen win.”

Caveman vs. Zombie, now that would be a fair fight. And Puppet vs. Vampire, apparently.

1 comment:

  1. I know I said before that the caveman would win but I recently changed my mind. Here’s what we know about both:

    Caveman: has an animalistic nature.

    Astronaut: has a more evolved brain.

    Neither are allowed weapons or the elements to construct them.
    What we don’t know is the terrain on which the battle will be fought :

    Is it a close proximity cage match?
    -Caveman wins

    Is it in a forest or jungle?
    -caveman wins again

    However, is it in an urban environment or war zone?
    -in this case, astronaut wins. With or without military training the astronaut’s brain is more evolved and has an easier time adapting to new environments. Not to mention that thanks to the televised news media, movies, vacation and whatever training he has (military and/or just plain astronaut training) the astronaut is already familiar with nearly all of the environments on earth. The caveman is familiar with just one, therefore the astronaut has the upper hand in most scenarios. Have you ever taken a polar bear to Cuba? I haven’t either but we know what would probably happen, it wouldn’t survive out of its element.

    How about this one: are they fighting in outer space?
    -they might be. No arena has been specified which leaves the possibility open to be anything at random. Considering that there is so much more space than there is earth, statistically the caveman and the astronaut are much more likely to fight somewhere in outer space, where of course the astronaut has the upper hand.

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